10 Second Movie Reviews, Vol. 1

I've been watching a buttload of movies lately, but for some reason I haven't written any reviews on them. Because I'm lazy, mostly. And because most of them exhibit various levels of extreme suckitude.

I hate having to dissect a so-so movie and carefully examine what it was about and the goals of the filmmakers and all sorts of bullshit like that. Nobody cares for all that, and they just wanna find out if the film is any good or not.

So I decided to spend no more than 10 seconds on each review below. Take it or leave it. Some mostly minor spoilers below, but you're gonna read it anyway. I'll try to do this on a fairly regular basis.

Please note: I'm not very politically correct about movies, so if you're offended by any of this, tough shit!

Recent Films I've Seen:

The Proposal (2009) - For an old broad, Sandra Bullock has a decent body. What is she, about 60?

Wanted (2008) - Sucky sci-fi action thriller. Overuse of shaky cam and CGI. I don't think this is my favorite genre.

The Answer Man (2009) - Shite-ridden rom-dram with Jeff Daniels and some broad I never heard of. What possesses me to watch this crap?

Across The Universe (2007) - It's psychedelic, maaaaan! Cool use of Beatle's songs to tell a fairly hackneyed story. Kind of like "Hair" without so much bush. Evan Rachel Wood has a smokin' little body. Eddie Izzard perfectly cameos as "Mr. Kite".

We Own The Night (2007) - So-so cop/gangster drama. Everyone dies. Well, mostly.

Into Temptation (2009) - Jeremy Sisto is a priest racing to find a prostitute who wants forgiveness before killing herself. Fairly gritty and well-made drama. Good acting turn by Sisto.

The Last Run (2004) - Fred Savage and a bunch of nude chicks. They didn't make up for the fact that Fred Savage was in this shitsack of a movie.

Julie & Julia (2009) - Meryl Streep and Amy Adams do Julia Child in dualing biopics. Not that bad. Don't watch this if you're on a diet. Trust me, I was starving by the end. But how did they manage to tone down Amy's inherent cuteness so much?

Spread (2009) - I want to kill Ashton Kutcher. For way too many reasons to list here. Anne Heche is looking great though. I guess "the cock" is doing her some good.

Oleanna (1994) - A Mamet play. Intense character study with William H. Macy and some broad. I rewound the last five minutes and played it over several times because it was so satisfying. I should probably feel a little guilty about that.

Married Life (2007) - Claustrophobic drama but good. I love Patricia Clarkson in anything she does. Chris Cooper is good in this too.

High Art (1998) - I especially love "Greta", the character Clarkson portrays in the flick. Awesome performances all around, but you have to be patient.

Sappho (2008) - Sucko! I was going to make a joke about how since it was set in the 1920s it's a "period" piece, but even I have some standards.

All the Real Girls (2003) - Zooey Deschenal in a weirdly moving and sad love story. Ooh look, Patricia Clarkson's in this one too!

Moon (2009) - Tepid futuristic sci-fi thriller. I officially despise Kevin Spacey now. What an annoying robot! (not his acting; he's an actual robot in the movie!)